Autism Moves Out

It wasn’t long after CJ was born that I noticed something: Men…are different from women.

A little late, you say, given that I already had a kid?

No, no, no. Not THAT kind of different. It’s just that I’ve noticed that men have certain…well…qualities.

Most men don’t want to engage in long meaningful conversations.  They don’t want to look at each other any more than they have to to get the channel changed or another beer brought from the fridge. Men think that sitting on a couch facing the same way silently watching TV for hours is socializing. When they do get up and move around, men prefer to do something.  Build something, throw a ball, run, mow, fix, etc.  And most men prefer doing one thing at a time, completely, before moving on to the next thing. Multitasking is unpleasant and to be avoided.

I have seen men I love work side by side for an entire day and not know one darn thing more about each other’s lives at the end of the day than they did when they started that morning.

Me: Thanks for fixing the car. You guys did a great job.
Him: No problem!
Me: Hey, how are he and Karen doing with the new baby? That first week home from the hospital is always rough.
Him: …. They have a new baby?
Me: Yes…. You know…the one that was born two weeks ago after her mother died and he lost his job of 15 years?
Him: …. Oh. He didn’t say.

Does any of this sound kind of familiar? Maybe a little bit…autistic?

There. I said it. Really, I had to say it. Because it explains so much.

From the start, men have always been attracted to CJ.  No matter how much his autism was driving his behavior at any moment, men have rarely had a problem having him around.  Men usually think he’s funny even when he is acting crazy.  When he was a baby, big, tough men would stop me on the street or in stores and tell me how cute he was.  Seriously, one day a work van stopped right in the middle of my street when I was crossing with CJ. A tough-looking construction worker leaned out of his window and said, “That is one cute baby.”  Fifteen years later, I am still a little shocked.

Even now, it’s no different. Football, basketball, you name it. All the players love him. He’s the kid who gets the shout outs and the “Woot!” when he shows up on the field. It’s something about his energy, I think. Autism or no, he just radiates “BOY!” And men and boys, without comment, without full eye contact, without question…they see it, they know it, they honor it and the door to the man cave opens wide.

Over the years, there have been several boys in our lives who never seem to notice CJ’s autism, or if they do, they just don’t care. I guess if you discount lack of conversation, lack of eye contact, hyperfocus on one thing at a time while excluding everything else, side by side parallel activity and the need to raid the refrigerator every 30 minutes, for a boy there aren’t really any “issues” with CJ.

CJ has never really wanted to play with Legos or action figures.  But somehow these boys have gotten him to participate many times.  I am always confused when this happens. The boys have all been considerably younger than him, but I’ve realized that CJ is being patient with them while they are being patient with him. Everyone wins. They are having Man Moments.  Somehow, the Man Factor can trump autism every now and then.

We were at the beach with close family friends not long ago when one boy got CJ to build a sandcastle with him…for over an hour.  He directed CJ to go and get water and told him where to dump it.  They built and built and I kept watching, waiting, and thinking that CJ would have had enough any moment or want to leave five minutes later like he usually does.  But he was was fine and he kept on being fine, which meant we got to hang out and have a normal beach day. Later that night, looking out of the window of our condo, CJ was concerned to see someone digging on the beach.  He wanted to make sure they were not wrecking his “castle”.  I asked if he had had fun building it.  Instead of the usual “yeah” or “fine,” I got a big “YES!”

He wanted to keep talking about it, too. That day, CJ was just one of the boys.

Thanks Zachary!

Last night, I was reminded of something I so often forget (or at least lately I do).  I was reminded how funny CJ is.  I was reminded how happy he can make the people around him.

We went to a graduation party for one of his friends.  This young man is “typical” and everyone there was “typical.”  Yet most of the people there knew CJ, or at least knew of him.  They were all very nice and as I watched, I realized they were genuinely happy to meet him.

He was not crazy about the more crowded area towards the back of the house where everyone was congregating.  So he positioned himself at the front window.  He would look out between the blinds and then, as people walked up to the door, he would jump up to greet them.  “Come on in!” he would say over and over.  “Come on in!”  Every single person walked in with a smile on their face.  Someone commented on it to me.  She was smiling…thought it was great…and all of a sudden, I had a flash of something that happens every time we go out of the house.

Think Walmart or Sam’s Club.  Now, think Walmart or Sam’s Club on a Saturday.  Uh huh.  Exactly.  Most people coming out of either place on a Saturday are not happy about it.  They don’t want to be there.  People sort of trudge out of the store looking grim, looking harassed, looking down frowning or hurrying straight ahead, trying to get to the car before their toddler goes head first out of the cart.  One friend I have says she hits Walmart like a surgical strike, with a goal to beat her last best time getting in and getting out.  Everyone knows that you only go to Sam’s or Walmart or any big store on a Saturday if you have no other choice.

And then here comes CJ.  We will walk into Sam’s or Walmart on any given Saturday.  As we walk in, CJ always greets each person he sees…every one of them.  “You have a great day!”  “See you!”  “You have a great day!”  He has a huge smile, and will at these moments often look directly at people.  Remember, he’s nearly 18 and he’s six feet tall now.  People’s are usually startled for a moment, but then their reactions are almost always positive.  When they see him smiling and talking to them, they can’t help but smile back.

And he had everyone at the party last night smiling.  The other mother and I were remarking that a kid being cute is often the thing that keeps a parent from reacting in an “inappropriate” manner.  I have a vivid memory of him at a young age.  I don’t remember why, but I was so mad at him.  I was speaking in a loud tone of voice (insert “screaming in frustration” here).  He just looked at me and then he grinned that huge grin of his.  I couldn’t help it.  I started laughing and then so did he.  And once CJ laughs –  everyone laughs.  You just can’t help it.  I finally looked at him, and in between cracking up with laughter I said, “You are still in trouble!”

Well, sort of….

One of the great joys of CJ’s life is sports.  He helps with the varsity baseball and football teams at high school.  The true love of his life is HIS Challenger baseball team.  He has been in heaven since we discovered Challenger.

With Challenger, for the first time he was allowed to play…really play…with his own peers.  These peers are HIS friends.  He talks about them.  He has photos of them in his room and in his albums.  He talks about them and even hopes to eventually live with some of them.

The biggest difference between Challenger and other leagues is that Challenger lets the kids play.  The kids have buddies, but they are high school kids, not adults.  And the buddies are not allowed to pick up or even touch the ball.  The only exception is if a kid can not physically pick it up.  They will then pick it up, hand it to the kid, and the kid will throw it.

When we started, the kids couldn’t do anything. Balls were going everywhere.  Almost everyone hit off a tee.  It was controlled chaos, and one might think, seemingly pointless.  But now, only a small group hits off the tee.  The kids attempt and often complete plays.  When they are out, they are out!  There is no “everyone gets to run bases”.  It’s the real thing.  They love it!  They love tagging each other out.  They learn to deal with getting thrown out.  It’s real ball with real kids and the only exception to the general rules is that, at the end of the game they all “won”, if you ask them.

The buddies are varsity high school baseball players from the local schools.  We have had buddy players who have gone pro and to college on scholarships.  We have several who come back to visit or participate when they are home.  I have seen times when the buddies were getting more out of this than the kids themselves…more than once.  There is something to be said about arriving, bummed about losing a major game, and then watching these kids and spending a Saturday morning with them.  It puts things in perspective.

I have a couple of things I say over and over.  When you have a child, you have the same dreams for that child as everyone else.  It is a boy!  He will play little league!  If he is good enough, he will play in high school.  He shows some early talent, so who knows?  He may get a college scholarship.  And the ultimate dream for everyone would be to play in the pros. Why not?

Then you get “the news”.  One by one your dreams for your child fall away.  There will be no pros, then no college, then no high school.  Little league?  Maybe a “special” team.  You look, and find that no one will actually let these kids play, though.  And then we found Challenger.  Challenger gave back to all of us a little of what we had started to think he would never have.  He has HIS team with HIS friends.  He gets to really play.  He loves it!

The other thing that I say over and over is that if you think the youth of America are going nowhere good, come out on a Wednesday night or a Saturday morning and sit with us.  The buddy’s teams may play until after 9 PM and then will have practice on Saturday morning.  But they still come out with our kids.  They have jobs, girlfriends and are taking tough classes to get into college.  But here they come.  We have had buddies take off of work to come with us to jamborees.  We have had adults rearrange out of town trips to be back for games or so they don’t miss practices.

There are AMAZING kids all over!  And CJ helped me see that.